


Happiness is a Concept of the Mind

by godtierfics (godtiercomplex)



Series: dysfunctional family funtimes [23]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 12:03:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19376323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godtiercomplex/pseuds/godtierfics
Summary: During a day alone, Haise gets to thinking.The proper conclusion of the dysfunctional family funtimes storyline.





	Happiness is a Concept of the Mind

The house was quiet.

Arima was out on a case, Saiko had taken a trip west with a friend for a tournament, and even Tsukiyama was away at a convention for social workers. His sons had moved out more than a year ago so he wasn’t expecting them to visit. 

The quiet was helpful for his work but it was also giving him time to think while working on necessary edits. He wanted to invite Hide over, but at this stage he knew it wouldn’t be appropriate. He could be selfish in a few more days. Hide’s other authors deserved his attention too. He would deal with the silence and finish his edits. 

Haise got up and made himself a fresh pot of tea. As the water boiled, he looked outside at the backyard. Once it had been home to children’s bikes, then to actual bikes once Shirazu started bringing those home instead, and now it was clear of all of that. The grass was turning turning green thanks to spring’s arrival. The sky was a deep, cloudless blue of forever. In the distance, Haise swore he could see the crescent moon. It made him feel small and insignificant. 

What mark was he leaving on the world that would last once he was gone? He questioned that as he readied the tea leaves and the water and made his tea. He hoped his books would still be read once he was dead, but he would never know if they were or not. Here he was 31 years old and thinking about his purpose in life. 

“I’ve been writing about death for too long,” he muttered into the still house. The music wasn’t helping so he went into the living room and switched on the Playstation 4 and stuck in a game. It loaded up, and went through the credits and landed on the start menu. It cycled through the start menu and then some sort of theme song for the game as he watched. He lost track of how long he stood there, not thinking anything really until his phone rang. 

He went and answered it without checking to see who it could be. Which was foolish, but today was a weird day. 

“Haise?” Tsukiyama’s familiar voice sounded in his ear, and Haise sighed internally. This was not what he needed right now. He wasn’t sure what he needed, but it wasn’t Tsukiyama. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be in a session right now?” Haise asked as he checked on his tea. It had grown cold, so he tossed it and made another cup as he stayed on the phone. 

“It just let out. I was calling to check-in.” 

“You don’t need to.” 

“I want to. Have you eaten lunch yet?” 

“It’s only…” Haise pulled the phone away to check the time. It was the afternoon, apparently. “Yeah, no I haven’t yet.” 

“Okay, well make sure you do. You need to eat in order to write.” Tsukiyama sounded pleasant enough, but he was also bossing or attempting to boss Haise around. That just wasn’t how it worked--or no, that was how it had been working for a while now, wasn’t it? Tsukiyama took care of him and Haise allowed it because…

“I know that,” he said grumpily. 

“Alright.” Tsukiyama laughed. “Order noodles or something. I’ll call you tonight.”

“No need.” Haise hung up on Tsukiyama’s protest. 

Time had slipped away while he had been unaware. He called out for some noodles, and then paid the man when he arrived with them. He settled down at the table, and frowned at his computer. The editing process wasn’t his favorite part, but it needed to be done. He lost himself in looking up words online to make sure he was right and the copy editor was wrong, and was startled out of his thoughts by his text tone. 

It was from Akira and she wanted to know if he was free that night. He texted her back that he was, and then checked the fridge for her favorite drink and sighed when it wasn’t there. He got properly dressed (was this his shirt or Tsukiyama’s?) and went to the corner store to buy replacements. He sat it to chill in the fridge, and then went back to editing. 

Editing didn’t take up too much of his thinking, so he found himself thinking again on the topic of his death. If he were to die the next day, what would change? Who would be impacted?

His family without question. His friends. His readers. And… Tsukiyama too would lose the object of his obsession. 

“Huh,” Haise said, fingers barely touching his keyboard. It didn’t make sense that he had put Tsukiyama in his own category, but the man didn’t fit into any of the categories that Haise had established. They weren’t friends. They weren’t family. Tsukiyama read his stuff, but he wasn’t a normal fan. Haise had dealt with over the years some obsessive fans, but Tsukiyama...he was in a category all of his own. Which was unsettling to realize. 

It was almost as if Tsukiyama were special, unique, or just different amongst the people of Haise’s acquaintance. To be fair, Tsukiyama was the only one he was sleeping with, had slept with for almost eleven years. That number startled Haise, and he counted quietly on his fingers for a moment before concluding that he really should get back to editing. 

But the thoughts nagged at him. What was Tsukiyama to him? Why had he allowed this to continue for over a decade? How was he supposed to end it? 

Did he even want to end it? 

He ate his cold noodles as he considered that. He didn’t even know whose shirt he was wearing, Tsukiyama had invaded his house so flawlessly. Tsukiyama had invaded more than just his house, Haise realized. He had been of the mind to never, ever forgive him, but that had changed five years ago after Saiko got kidnapped. That was when he had realized that Tsukiyama was dependable, and maybe trustworthy. 

He had fallen into this routine with Tsukiyama so easily that it would feel weird to end it now. But was discomfort worth unhappiness? Even as he thought over that, his hand reached for his phone. He would call Hide, talk to him. Hide would help him sort this out. 

The door opened before he could call Hide, and he went to see who had let themselves in so casually. It was Akira, and she had a briefcase in one hand, and takeout in the other.

“Hi,” she said. “Did you already eat dinner?” 

“I had noodles for lunch, but not dinner yet.” 

“Good, I got your favorite from that Thai place.” She sat the bag down in the kitchen, and then looked at the TV. “Is Saiko home?” 

“Um.” Haise scratched his cheek. “No. I just had it on for the noise.” 

“Ah,” she said, and he wondered at the look on her face as she turned off the game and put on the news. He closed up his laptop and got plates out for their dinner. “That’s right, she’s at that gaming event.” 

“Yup.” Haise nodded at the wall calendar. “Everyone’s busy tonight. Aside from you and me, I guess.” 

“Too bad, I feel like I haven’t seen everyone in ages.” 

“Well, you know how it is.” 

“Yeah.” Akira sighed. 

They ate together on the couch while watching the news, and shaking their heads at all the horrible world news happening. 

“Why is everything so depressing?” Haise muttered. 

“I wish I knew,” Akira said and then went to the fridge and Haise could hear the smile in her voice as she said, “At least there’s some good in the world.” 

“You’re welcome, Mom.” 

They settled down to drink, and soon Haise found himself laughing at the comedy show that Akira put on after the news ended. 

They drank and Haise found himself turning over the question of Tsukiyama in his mind. The more intoxicated he got, the more he thought about the other man. 

“You look lost in thought.” Akira’s voice broke through the daze he had fallen into. Haise laughed, and shook his head. 

“I guess I am, huh?” Akira was patient, said nothing but raised an eyebrow. Haise laughed, and scratched his ear. “I’ve been thinking about a lot today. It’s quiet with everyone gone.” A year ago they had moved all the boys out, each of them to their own place, each of them excited to reach their dreams. All he had left was Saiko who was chasing her dreams but content to do so from the house she’d grew up in. 

How long would that last, though? This happiness he had with his kids, his parents and… 

“What have you been thinking about?” Akira asked when his silence had stretched on and his beer was losing its bite. 

“Happiness.” Haise said to the can in his hands. He looked up and met Akira’s eyes. “Did you think you’d… be adopting a kid when you were 30? That twenty years later you’d be a grandmother?” 

“I was 29.” Akira said. She smiled at him, laughed for a moment, as if comparing herself then at 29 and herself now at 54 was hilarious. “I walked into Arima’s house and I was shocked. Arima didn’t socialize, he didn’t make friends. I was probably the closest thing he had to a friend after he and Kura… fell out. He didn’t have a family and yet there you were. He saw you and he couldn’t just walk away and he decided to make a family of you two. And before I knew it, we were all three a family. And now all eight of us are.” Akira finished her beer, set it neatly next to the others. Her voice was nothing but fond as she looked at him for a long, quiet moment.“So, you’re thinking about happiness? Haise, I’m happy. My job is going well, I’m due for another promotion, and that means more me time. And then… I’m happy for my family and looking at all that they’ve done, what they’ve grown from. What you’ve grown into.” 

Haise didn’t know what he had expected but he was thankful, grateful for what he had gotten. It helped him sort out his own thoughts, his own concerns. “I’m 31 and I have four kids who I couldn’t be prouder of. And I’m proud of my work too and I’m happy with the life I have. And… I just started wondering how I can be happy even with Tsukiyama here.”

Akira’s voice turned neutral. “Should he not be here?” 

That was the question of the hour, wasn’t it? All eight of them are a family— that’s what Akira had just said. Arima, Akira, Haise, Saiko, Shirazu, Tooru, and Urie— that… he frowned. He looked at Akira and he didn’t know what to say. She said eight and he could only count seven. 

Was she including Tsukiyama Shuu in their family? He didn’t know what to say to that. 

Akira opened another beer and took a sip. She looked distant, eyes falling on their pictures on the walls. “Would you be happy if Tsukiyama wasn’t here? You made a choice a long time ago, Haise. Do you regret it?” 

Had Haise made a choice? 

There had been times when he could have said something, done anything to make Tsukiyama left him alone for good. Maybe it would have worked, maybe not. But he had had chances and he’d let them all slip past him. 

He had been comfortable, unmotivated, unable to work up the energy to care about removing something that wasn’t malignant. The tumor that was their relationship had been with him so long that he rarely thought on it. 

He had his kids. He had his parents. And regardless of if he wanted it or not, he had Tsukiyama. 

It didn’t feel like much of a choice when it’d barely taken any effort for them to fall into this habit, this pattern, this mockery of a shared life. 

It was almost as if they’d domesticated each other. 

When had he been caught? 

And did he regret it? 

He wished his beer wasn’t warm and that Akira hadn’t taken the last can. He stared at her blunt nails, lightly coated with a pearl pink.

“I mean… Tsukiyama kidnapped me. He threatened to kill everyone I loved so he could be with me. And I said…” What had he said back then? Self confident and cocky in his own way… a fool. He had been played, had played himself. Haise looked at his own hands. “I said whatever. I thought he wasn’t serious and by the time I realized he was it was too late. It’s too late for regrets now as well.” 

“But you do regret it.” A statement, not a question. Haise looked at Akira. She was more sober than he’d thought she’d be on her fourth drink. 

“Some of it,” Haise said because if there was anyone he had to be honest with it was his mother. She had been there and seen it all. What use was there in lying to her face? “I thought you hated him.” 

Akira thought that over. “I did but then you kept choosing him. Again and again and I had to accept that in your own way you loved him. So who was I to interfere?” 

Haise loved Saiko, Tooru, Shizaru, Urie. He loved Hide. He loved Arima. He loved Akira. He loved his fans, both known and unknown, new and old, regardless of nationality. 

Sasaki Haise did not love Tsukiyama Shuu. 

How could he?

“I’m not in love with Tsukiyama, Akira.” Fingers to his chin as he thought that over. Of course he wasn’t in love with Tsukiyama. It was obvious that Akira was reading too much into the situation. 

Tsukiyama had been horrible to him. How could he love him? 

His phone rang, the classical melody increasing in volume the longer he let it sit on the table. 

He saw Tsukiyama’s name on the display and didn’t answer. 

Akira sipped from her beer. “Love is messy, Haise. Complicated and messy.” She spoke from experience, and he wondered about that. About her life outside of them, the life she kept secret and only spoke about in codes with Arima. “It doesn’t have to be. You can make it less complicated. Just acknowledge it, even if only for yourself.” 

“Acknowledge that I’m in love with…” He looked at this phone. Just a single missed call. Years ago the phone would have rung again and before he knew it there would be twenty calls all within the space of five minutes. Now there was one missed call and one text that merely wished him a goodnight. He stared at his phone and he looked at his mom. Akira Mado had been one of the pillars of strength in his life. Immoveable. And here she was telling him to acknowledge feelings he didn’t have, couldn’t have. 

“You have a choice,” Akira said. “You can keep denying it or you can acknowledge it. Stop carrying the weight of regret and what could have beens. They’re worthless.” 

He looked at his phone, gathered his hands in his lap, and was quiet. Deny his feelings or acknowledge them. Those were the options Akira told him to consider. 

“Can you imagine waking up tomorrow and Tsukiyama’s gone?”

He hummed because yes, he could. Tsukiyama hadn’t gone on week long trips in a while, but sometimes he was obligated to. 

From the curve of her smile, Akira was only getting started. 

“Can you imagine not seeing him for a month?” 

Haise knew what Akira was doing but he indulged her. Tsukiyama gone for a month? That wasn’t a big deal, honestly because it wasn’t as if— 

“I forgot to mention, all of his things would be gone too.” 

Haise looked at her. She was watching him as she waited for his response. 

Could he imagine a week without Tsukiyama? Sure. A month? Sure. 

“You wouldn’t be able to call him or text him. He’d want nothing more to do with you.” 

He glanced at his phone. The screen was dark, quiet. The house was dark, quiet. He looked at Akira. He felt irked, which was strange. What was the point in asking him all of this, trying to imagine a scenario that would never happen? 

Tsukiyama was his, whether he wanted him or not. 

But Akira thought he had a choice to make? 

He was exasperated. 

Hadn’t he already made his choice? 

Acknowledge or deny? Deny or Acknowledge? 

He looked at the cans and picked up his phone. “I’m going to bed, Mom. Are you staying over? Or do you need a cab?” 

“I’ll stay the night.” Before Haise could start to pick up the beer cans, she added, softly looking at her can, “I’ll clean up.”

“Okay, well… goodnight.” He was almost to his room when she spoke again. He didn’t know if he was meant to hear it or not. 

“I didn’t raise you to be cruel.” 

He didn’t turn on the lights. There was no need as he knew his room like the back of his hand. The blinds were parted just enough that moonlight bleed onto the bed. He stripped and settled his phone on the charger. Akira’s words nagged at him as he settled on his side of the bed. He wasn’t being cruel when he and Tsukiyama had an understanding. When they knew their place in each others lives. Was it cruel to allow Tsukiyama to love him, to hold him at night? If anything it was a kindness. 

He loved Akira but honestly he could have done without the undeserved guilt trip. He picked his phone back up. Tsukiyama’s message was at the top. Beneath it was Hide’s message telling him the copy edits were ready. 

His finger hovered and then he was pressing the call button. 

1 ring and he thought _I should just go to sleep._

2 rings and he stared at the red button as it turned to 3 rings. 

Tsukiyama picked up on the fourth ring. 

“Haise? Is something wrong?” 

How often had Haise called Tsukiyama first? Rarely, he couldn’t even name anytime recently. He texted first sometimes, or texted back more often but there was rarely a need to call the man. Why would he call when he knew he’d see him at home?

Something had to be wrong, from the fear in Tsukiyama’s voice, obviously something had to be wrong for Haise to call him. Or maybe it was just the time. Haise looked at the clock on Tsukiyama’s side. It was almost two. No wonder he thought something was wrong. 

“Haise?” Tsukiyama’s voice was almost panicked, worry clear as he called for him again and again. 

“Tsukiyama.” 

“Is something wrong? Is someone hurt? Do I need to come home?” 

Was something wrong? Yes. Was someone hurt? According to Akira— yes. Did Tsukiyama need to come home? 

“I’ve been drinking,” Haise said, just to make sure Tsukiyama knew before he continued. “I had a talk with Akira today about happiness. Tsukiyama… are you happy?” 

If Tsukiyama had been in bed with him Haise would have felt how tense he was. He could hear it in his voice before he sighed low on his name, clearly relaxing. “Am I happy? Of course I’m happy. How could I not be with you, Haise?” 

And there it was, so simply said, and so readily given. Haise sighed. 

“You’re such an idiot.” 

“That was uncalled for.”

“Come home soon, Shuu,” Haise said. “I miss you.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I told Leo and Leo told me that this is the closest Haise gets to saying "I love you" to Shuu outside of their death beds. 
> 
> You don't stay and sleep with someone for ten years cuz you hate them.... But he's accepted that already. 
> 
> I 100% promise you that this is the ending I wanted to give you ages ago but couldn't. Depression is a killer.
> 
> Also, Leo says, that this is how Haise's first actual I love you would go: "Haise says I love you to Shuu in his dead bed, Shuu being an old man has a heart attack and dies, Haise wonders if saying I love you to Shuu was what it would take to get rid of the man, he would have done it years ago."


End file.
